Farewells

Hello everybody!

It's been such a long time since I've blogged; pretty much half a year. Well, the past few months have been extremely wild, mentally and emotionally. I believe I haven't done anything physically torturing. I have so many things to say and I don't know where to begin. Before I lose my train of thoughts, let's just start from the happenings of tonight.

So...

I attended a choir concert earlier tonight (or yesterday, depending on whether I finish this post before the day starts). Oh, before that. Disclaimer: My focus will not on the quality of the performance, but rather, my thoughts and feelings on life lessons and whatever.

I'd like to start off, talking about goodbyes. The subtle irony. Personally, I hate goodbyes. Whether in real life or on screen, I hate them. When I was younger, 'bye bye' used to be the easiest thing to say, and 'hello', one of the hardest. I didn't like meeting new people, but when I do, I can't wait to bid farewell to them. It was so simple for me, to say goodbye with a smile. But now, I can barely do it without tearing up or breaking down.

Well, actually, all this bidding farewell and stuff had nothing to do with me; it was my 0621. To actually feel all emotional when it wasn't even my turn to say goodbye, well, emotional. And maybe, absurd. Anyway, the story goes like this: So, 0621 was recommended by his conductor to join in the choir to perform tonight and most unfortunately, this was going to be his first and last performance with them for the next 3 years or so, because of studies and NS. As the concert came to a melancholic close, it was finally time to part ways. 

It was and is still extremely depressing, how he has to separate from the people he'd formed a strong bond with, through the passion for singing and the love for music. Even though it was just going to be 3 years, thinking about even leaving, makes me feel extremely sunken and dull. Even though I'm not the one going through all this, I feel that something is missing. It feels so empty, so lost and so wrong even now. I mean, think about it. If someone puts you in a group of people with the same passion and interests as you and you develop an extremely close camaraderie between them, wouldn't it be as good as tearing off your limbs when you have no choice but to part with them? Because they've become a part of you? 

As I plant my feet into the size 39 shoes of 0621, it feels so empty, knowing that our lives might never intersect again like how they used to and it feels as though my face has received the ticket to the obituary. Even though people may say, 'keep in touch' or 'stay close' or 'Whatsapp', I don't think I'll be able to use all those as a remedy to the ache in my heart that things would never be the same again. 

I didn't know, when 0621 was singing the farewell song, his feelings, but tears just shoot right up to my eyes every time I think about it, now fully aware of them. To many of the singers there, the farewell was one of the completion of a job, goodbye to the audience. However, to him, it was real. It must've been so difficult, to sing and hold back tears.

Yes, I know, I am pessimistic and overly emotional, but these feelings are true. Hearing him say "I can't bear to leave, you know", with those puppy eyes, as if begging and hoping with a bit of luck, for reality to let him continue his journey with them. On the outside, he was strong, he was sure, he accepted reality. But his eyes, those eyes, made my heart feel a stab. No, multiple stabs, slashes. It hurt. Tears just welled in my eyes. The pain still exists quite sadistically in my heart, enjoying the very taste of iron-rich (not really) blood as it attempts to tear down the hole in my heart. 

Goodbyes & Farewells, I hate them, so much. But Goodbyes & Farewells, I will get over them. And Goodbyes & Farewells, allow for new beginnings. 

Goodnight, My Friends

P.S Sorry, my writing skills have depreciated over time, but as I wrote, I got more into it. I also apologise for the poor recount. It's kinda late and I can't really think properly. 

LOVE ♥

Hello Readers,

It has indeed been a long time since my last post but today I'd like to share about my life in Junior College thus far and about LOVE.

Perhaps, the best thing worth congratulating would be my MYE Results. Well, maybe they won't seem like much to the vast majority, but I see hope in these grades. So, let's start with the best. Hehe.

MATH - A

CL - B

GEOG - D

GP - D

HIST - D

ECON - S

The most regretful thing would be my sleeping during the Economics paper. I could totally kill myself for that (maybe not) but someone, which I will talk about later, stopped my reckless thoughts. Haha! After a draining 2.5h Geography paper, my brain was too dry to even focus on keeping myself awake. It was a torture having to TRY to keep my brain thinking. Goodness, me. Anyway, dozing off for one out of the two hours had me 10/30 for my Case Study Questions. Nice one, Ad, nice one. Then somehow, I woke up for the last hour, still drowsy, trying so hard to squeeze in 2 essay questions. I finished but failed it - 12/25. Ah well, lesson learnt! (:

Mathematics is definitely the love of my lifetime, other than Music of course. Oh, the 'M's. It seems to me that it's no longer a bonus to be scoring A's & B's for Maths. Rather, it would be a tragedy to do badly. Tragic. I don't even want to talk about the rest of my subjects but yes, improvement can be made.

NOW...

LOVE. 'When?', 'How?' and most importantly, 'WHO?'. SUCH COMPLICATIONS THAT TURN TEENAGE GIRLS LIVES AROUND. All my life, I've been a playgirl, knowing (or at least thinking) nobody would love me. I call it boy-hopping. Yup, that's what I did. Boy, to boy, to boy. Was it true love, or desperation that drove me? Maybe. Was it stress? Unlikely. Was it for attention? Perhaps. I guess they call it "friend zone" now. Well, there has to be a reason why I'm actually bringing up such shameful stories of the past. *wink*

But before I get to that, I'd like to address the 'when' part. When? As an average 16 going on 17 year old teenager (saying I'm average might insult some, haha) with parents who are extremely conservative and uptight about relationships, I can't say for sure when. 21, maybe? That's the only thing I can think about when the law gives us our license into adulthood. Maybe then, they'd allow boy-girl relationships. Do we necessarily have to wait that long? It is extremely difficult to keep on hiding BGR. I know they just want to make sure we make the right decisions in life, but sometimes, we need to decide for ourselves. We need to know what the fruits of our labour and what the success of choices taste like. We need to feel what making the wrong choices is like. If we always play on the safe side of life, avoiding mistakes our parents made, when will we ever learn? When will we ever learn to stand on our own two feet instead of being flung around on puppet strings? Oops, I'm drifting. Anyway, I guess, for me, the right time would be whenever I'm ready to take care of two lives. Two very important lives - mine & his.

Now that I'm too lazy to continue blabbering, sorry for the nonsense above but I've finally come to the last part...

T    W    E    N    T    Y    -     F    I    R    S    T        J    U    N    E

Yours truly,

♥

Me?

Hello,

I have no idea what's going on with the new layout in Blogger so I'm just going to do whatever. So, I wanted to question the self today, and looking at my crappy posts, I feel quite embarrassed. Sorry about that.

Define 'me'. Define yourself. Define your personality. If you're like this in front of someone and like that in front of another, what exactly is your personality? Which one? Some people think it's a split personality and sometimes accuse you of 'faking' it or not being yourself but personally, I feel that the human character is a very versatile one. It really depends on the situation and how we react. 

You can't expect someone to speak and behave the way they do to their friends, can you? How can you speak to a higher-up the same way you speak to friends? You can't! So where's this 'faking' and 'not being yourself' coming from? Isn't it just a question of who it is you're interacting with? I believe that this is a matter of acting correctly at the correct time. 

Personally, I feel that it is very advantageous to be able to portray different aspects of your personality at different occasions, however, there are also negative sides. Firstly, since we, or rather, I behave differently in front of different people, when the two groups of which I act totally differently are put together, I have some difficulty choosing which act I should put up. Bear in mind my definition of act is just a face and not anything regarding fake. So, for example, in an interview, with teachers and students, this is when I lose my already low level of confidence because I am in an internal turmoil as I have no clue what to do. They say just be yourself, but what if 'yourself' means having a dynamic personality? 

So after much deliberation and personal experiments, to me, being yourself could mean just going forth and do whatever comes to mind without going through the filter process. Just do it. Perhaps, that is the true self, doing without thinking. Perhaps, that is when you are truly being yourself instead of thinking about what people want to see and hence behave differently. Therefore, I believe that we should just as they say, 'whack'. Just whack, don't think, then be yourself.

All in all, I also feel that it could be the personality of people that is ever changing and it may not be a façade as they could merely be portraying different sides of their character. Haha. Additionally, even though people talk about being yourself and not changing yourself because of someone else, I feel that we still need to consider respect for our elders and upstairs.  Yes, be yourself, but still, much consideration is needed before we can do or say something because once done, cannot undo and once said, cannot take back.

Yup, that's it for me today. I'm doing this because I can't sleep because I took a nap earlier on because I was too tired because....... Hope this post was not as shitty as the previous ones although my mind is not really here any more. Alright then, goodnight and all the best!

Love,

Adeline.

Change

Should we change for others? 


More often than not, we'd meet some friendship problems of our own (not that I'm in any right now). More often than not, we'd bow our heads in regret, as we apologise for initiating an argument. And more often than not, we think we've done nothing wrong. So why and what are we apologising for? We promise to change to suit others but why should we change ourselves when we've done nothing wrong? 


Remember this guy Steven Covey? 

"We can never really change someone; people must change themselves" - Steven Covey

I guess, the real question is, do you want to patch up? You can't change others. The only solution is, yourself. The more you try to force ideas into others, the bigger your 'fight' becomes. Wouldn't you agree? As you are trying to change someone, that person is, similarly, trying to change you. You can't really change someone, can you? But because of pride, you can't step down, yes? I mean, if you can't be bothered to patch up, then all the best gathering your battalion of pawns to defend you. 


If you were to take a step back, who knows what might happen? Yes, you may have suffered a little scratch on your pride, but ain't it all worth it? Taking the first step to change yourself, I guarantee you, not only will you rid off an enemy, you will regain a friend. 


However, some may say that we must not change for others because it is our lives we lead and we are not to be trampled on. That'd be a little too selfish, no? But there is something I'd like to point out. That is, when we change, I don't think we change only for others. It is ourselves we change for. Isn't it maturation as we learn to give in to others? But don't get me wrong, I don't mean back down the moment you have conflicting interests. I said take a step back.


Ultimately, it is compromise. Find a workable solution. That is a form of change, no? You take a mini step back and let the other party do so too, then create a solution that would work for you both. 


So yes, change is necessary, and yes, we should change ourselves, not only for others but ourselves. "All you need is just 20 seconds of courage".


---
Love,
Ad.
♥

[P.S Sorry if this was pure crap. Keke. It's late. I've got CO tomorrow, goodnight everyone!]

Beginnings

Hello World,

It's a pleasure to be back on blogger. As we welcome a new year, we welcome a new 'me'. I am looking forward to starting anew when term starts. So.. Until then, I'm still me. Okay, that doesn't really make sense but, whatever.

Lots of things happened last night. A little sensitive but I think I should just forget about it. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth. I must stop letting little things like that affect me. I think I just got a whole bunch of haters from taking sides. Tsk tsk. My nosy mouth apologises. 

But speaking about that, is it okay to bottle up because you're scared of getting haters? I was speaking my mind but if what my mind says is contrary to what majority think, should I say it anyway? By right, I think I should. Perhaps instead of spouting nonsense on impulse, I guess I should just present my argument in a more subtle way to avoid it making a big spectacle out of one comment.

Reading the different arguments regarding the topic, I really should stop and listen before speaking. A major flaw. Sometimes, it's really not worth being involved. But on other occasions, you have to make a difference. So how do we determine what to do and when to do it? Hmm... I've yet to answer that question myself.

My next topic would be about attention. Everyone needs some attention. Honestly, I need quite a bit of attention to reach satisfactory level but when I get the attention I want, I become horribly shy. I need to learn to work around that and use the attention to my advantage. I really don't like it when people steal too much attention. I'm a fairly "I" person as in DISC. Figures? 

There you go. My blog posts will more or less be about answering my own questions rather than what I ate today. In other words, these are reflections. I waste a lot of paper penning all these thoughts down. Might as well start a new blog. That way, I can think faster. Alright then, that's all for me on my first post this new year. 

Have a happy Lunar New Year! 

Loves,

Ad. 

♥